WARNING: This chapter may have some triggers.

‘13 Reasons Why‘ has brought up many conversations about bullying and suicide. There are many chapters in my books ‘The Bi-Polar Express‘ and ‘Panic Stations along The Bi-Polar Express‘ about bullying but not enough about suicide.

Writing this chapter about suicide brings up some painful memories and feelings. But maybe that’s the point.

It’s hard to talk about, but it should be hard to talk about, but it also should be talked about.

Everyone gets sad or questions the point of life but when you are so lost and filled with darkness, when all seems so hopeless and you feel worthless, when you are numb to it all and you just want it to stop – your mind may wonder down that dark and dangerous path of suicidal thoughts. A place you may feel is the point of no return. A lonely place that makes you feel like there is only one way out.

I have been to that place, more than once. I hit rock bottom and tried to bow out. I am grateful I was unsuccessful, most days. It’s hard and I get sad very often but I try not to spiral too far down and let the world get on top of me.

I am not Hannah Baker.

There is hope and if you can just hold on another day you will be one step closer to finding your way out of the darkness.

How have you found a way up and out?
What are your coping strategies?
What keeps you fighting?

If you are currently suicidal please talk to someone: a friend, family, doctor, anyone, …
Call Lifeline: 13 11 14 (24hrs a day in Australia)

Loving someone with BiPolar can be a challenge just as someone with BiPolar can find it challenging to love.

From my experiences, there are several BiPolar traits that impact the way I love:

• Self-Sabotage is the main one. When something feels too good to be true, I feel it must be. So, I must destroy it before it can destroy me. I push people away before they can push me away. Even if they were never going to – it was all my paranoia that they would leave because so many others have left.
• Attachment is a big problem. As Pink said “Please, please don’t leave me”. When I find someone, I feel a connection and I hold on for dear life, I’m so scared of losing them; I squeeze so tight I suffocate them and they end up leaving anyway.
• I love hard and fast. I love all or nothing. I love in black and white on down days and in hyper colour on up days. I love and I get broken. I feel unlovable most times but I’m just an acquired taste, a unique soul and one day someone will not just be able to handle me, but will love me the way I am; BiPolar and all.

Technically OCD fits into the anxiety category but I felt it deserved its own chapter.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder comes in many forms.
• Excessive and repetitive cleaning
• Constantly checking things, like to see if doors are locked or oven is on (maybe check oven is off)
• Unrealistic negative reoccurring thoughts
• Everything having its place
• Counting
• Hoarding
• Having an irrational sense of disgust concerning sexual activity

I only have very mild OCD. The depression keeps me out of the shower most days, so cross off cleanliness. I’m not a hoarder or a counter.

I become very obsessed with an idea or a target I have to reach or even a person and will repeat the same actions or conversations over and over in my head or in life and I don’t listen to Einstein.

I have everything in its place and while my room may look messy, I know where every little thing is and which way it was facing. If one thing is moved I get freaked out and have to put everything back in its place.

I like to colour coordinate things and somethings alphabetically. DVDs are in genre and my clothes are summer to winter.

When I use a public toilet, I have to use the same cubicle I used the last time, like at the cinema it’s the first on the right; every time. The same cubicle at trivia and same at Coles. I get quite irate if someone is in there and if I can hold it, I wait, otherwise……..

I often have unrealistic negative thoughts, although the Zombie apocalypse is totally on the way.

I spend a while, but not an obsessive amount of time, thinking about if I locked the door and turned the oven off, not so much the iron because I don’t iron.

I didn’t realise my disgust towards sex was linked to my OCD but it makes sense cause it’s icky and messy and mostly unpleasant.

Thank you BeyondBlue for your insights.

Those who mind don’t matter
Those who matter don’t mind.