“It can’t rain all the time”

‘The Crow’ said it right: “It can’t rain all the time”

Suicidal thoughts are often fleeting and unfortunately reoccurring.

I think about it almost everyday. Even happy days. Late at night when the house sleeps, I think of how and when and where but I can’t. I love my folks more than myself and couldn’t hurt them so much.

My brain and body have been trying to kill me for years but I fight and now I help others fight. I feel like a hypocrite and a fraud. I talk people off the ledge and yet look over the edge with longing eyes.

How can I help people if I can’t help myself? I know the tricks and the right things to say but who am I to tell someone not to “opt out” if they want that more than anything?

Those few moments of pure happiness or hysterical laughter and the thought of them happening again keep me strong.

When I’m in the darkness I run those words through my head “It can’t rain all the time” to remind myself “this too shall pass” and all the other cliches.

They are right, as dark as it gets there are happy moments in life that we have to hang on to and enjoy when they come, before the darkness comes back.

Questions for bullies

Questions for Bullies

1. How do you feel when you are picking on people?
2. Why do you bully others?
3. Have you ever been bullied?
4. How does it feel to be bullied/ how do you think it might feel to be bullied?
5. How do your friends react to your bullying?
6. Would it make a difference if your friends thought it was wrong?
7. How do you think ‘x’ feels when you bully them?
8. How would you feel if ‘x’ ended their life because you bullied them?
9. Would you be able to call yourself a good person if someone killed themselves because of you?
10. Do you think you would make a good role model to your future kids?
11. Are there any good excuses for bullying?

Bullying is never ok. Making someone feel like shit just because, is not ok. There is no excuse for being a bully!

I was bullied all through my school years until one bully pushed me so far that I wanted to end my life. Luckily my parents got wind of it and pulled me out of school. The teachers didn’t care, the school counsellor didn’t care, my friends didn’t care, no one
cared. Maybe they cared but they didn’t stop it.
I asked my bully “why?” and she said “Because I can”.
Because I can is not an excuse to torture someone on a daily basis.
Because I can is not an excuse for the years of psychological damage and ptsd I’ve had from the cruelty of one bitchy girl.
Because I can is not an excuse for making me feel so ugly, dumb, worthless and pathetic (her daily words; the words that still replay in my head 20 years later)
My bully almost won. I cut myself to ease the pain of her words. Her bullying almost killed me.

How many lives have been lost because of a bully? If the answer is more than 1, it is already too many.

We need to talk to the victims. But we need to talk more to the bullies and stop them before they cause permanent damage.

Name and Shame your bullies. Technology has changed since I was a teen so record the torment on your phone and post it online.
Tell a teacher, a counsellor, a parent, a friend.

No one deserves to be bullied!
No one should be made to feel suicidal because of a bully.

Worrier or Warrior?

Worrier or Warrior?

I’m 34 and still worry too much about what people will think. I worry that I can’t please everyone, I worry that I’ll never have a real connection with anyone, I worry that I’m not good enough, I worry I am a failure, I worry that people will see through my fake smile and laughter, I worry noone could ever love someone so broken.

But I have had battles with depression, BiPolar, bullies, chronic pain, evil physical health problems and I have fought. I fight everyday to keep going even when I don’t want to, even when I see no point and even when the pain is so bad that I want to roll over and die.
I fight. I am resilient. I am a warrior.

Most of my battles are with myself. So am I a worrier or a warrior?

I think both. What about you?