Dreams cost

Dreams cost!

My dream was to have a pool. I always wanted to be able to swim everyday, without sharing and calm down in water big enough to hold me. Floating slows the racing thoughts. Laps work out aggression. Exercises help my aching back and knees and the whole thing helps my anxiety.
So finally after over 20 years I got my dream come true. But it came at a price, two in fact.
My grandfather passing and leaving an inheritance to build my dream and my hair.
The pool never had the right chemicals and the chlorine was always too high, we didn’t know. We took a sample to Penrith to be tested every few weeks and they sold us many chemicals, the last visit even telling us to up the chlorine.
My long curly red hair turned yellow and green and started to fall out in batches. Then it got shorter and shorter and eventually I decided to shave it all off and start fresh.
We got a different company to sort the chemicals, draining the pool a few times but now I swim daily in peace with my short short hair.



Suicide Levels

Suicide Levels

There are levels to suicidal thoughts, in my opinion.
I can get quite dark and think about life being pointless and horrible and have a fleeting thought of opting out so I will stop myself and do something: paint, draw, write, anything to distract the thoughts.

The next level for me is darker thoughts; heavier, all I can think about is how, when and where and then guilt of those I’d leave behind. This is when I have to get into water: a pool, a bath, a shower or even hold an ice cube. This works for me may not for you.

The next level is hysterical tears, no sleep, my heart hurts, my brain is black and I am staring at my “tools” and so close: this is red alert. Call parents/best friend/000

I have been hospitalised at both private and public hospitals and each have good and bad qualities, but at the end of the day they saved my life.
“;” that symbol means so much more to us who suffer with these horrid thoughts. “My story isn’t over yet”
Draw the semicolon on your wrist and look at it every time you want to die and remember: you are not alone, things will get better and your story isnt over yet.

Both and Neither

Both and neither

I feel like I’m manic and depressed at the same time. On one hand I’m crying and feeling worthless and that life is pointless or too hard or too painful or just not worth living. Then on the other hand, 5 seconds later I’m on eBay shopping for stuff I don’t need, having racing thoughts and vivid dreams when I eventually sleep. I can’t sleep and it’s now 6 AM and not the first time this week I’ve been up this late/early. Thoughts racing, anxious, worried about money which is something I never cared about, worried about the future and what will happen next once I finish my diploma, and will I find what I’m really looking for? Does anybody ever really find what they’re looking for?
So now I don’t know what to do: if I was just manic I would lower my antidepressants if I was just depressed I would opt out of the presence of lettuce (this is what AutoCorrect did and I think that it’s perfect, you get the point anyway.)
Do I need to talk to my psychiatrist about changing meds? do I need to talk to my doctor about my moods? do I need to talk to a psychologist just to get my head around all the changes coming my way? or do I just need to wait until this evil heatwave is over and I can breathe again? Maybe it’s the pain: my knees are causing crippling pain and hopefully my new physio will help but until then pain, no sleep and racing thoughts and uber tears. January 2018 is gonna be a blast.