Back’s not Back

Back’s not back

Spending the last few months taking care of everyone else and not myself has backfired. Along with burnout my back has now gone out. I can barely walk/stand/sit. The pain is horrid. This has happened many times since my late 20’s and has bed ridden me for months in the past until finally a specialist sent me for a cortisone injection. This time limited solution worked a treat but needs top ups.

I thought I was done with my chronic back pain but I guess it never really goes away.
Now I have to choose if I want to top up the cortisone or become a slave to codeine. Neither option is good for me but this pain is unbearable and I can’t spend 6 months in bed again.

To do or not to do

To do or not to do – that is your choice.
Before you choose to do something nice for someone else accept that they may not show appreciation or thank you personally and they may not do anything for you in return.

Doing something nice for someone is nice for you, but do it for the right reasons and without expectations.

If you have no expectations you rarely get disappointed. If you have high hopes they can be crushed.

Take care of you before/during/after taking care of someone else.

You are important to me. You are appreciated and you matter. And I say that without any expectations of a reply just because it is how I feel and wanted you to know. 😘

People Always Leave

People Always Leave

In “One Tree Hill” it is said that people always leave. I find this to be true in terms of friends.
I have had friends who use me, friends who get too busy, friends who are too full on leading me to choose to sacrifice my mental health or tell them which leads to them leaving, friends who say they will always be there but lie or forget, friends who can’t handle when I’m not doing well, friends with kids, friends who bully, friends who stay for a while but eventually like all the others leave.

I sometimes have to leave a friendship to put myself first.

I sometimes miss the ones who left. Sometimes not so much.

I have abandoned issues and therefore think everyone will leave without any signs they will and the paranoia leads them to leave.

I often need closure. If someone leaves without saying goodbye or explaining why, I become obsessed with finding out.

Perhaps I have to accept that I won’t have long lasting friendships. And that’s ok.

This is my experience. I’m not saying BiPolarians don’t have friends. Just my own personal experience.

Does anyone else struggle keeping friends?

Help!

Help!

“Help, I need somebody’s help, not just anybody’s help”
The Beatles – they asked for help not everyone does.

Very often you cannot help someone who doesn’t want help. Even if they need it.

Be there. Give non-judgement, unconditional love and support.

You may not feel like you are helping but sticking around in someone’s darkest moments is helping. Listening to midnight rants is helping. Sending a text to check in is helping. Sitting with them in silence is helping. Distracting them with a movie is helping. Cooking a nice meal is helping. Giving a shit is helping.

People may not ask for help but if you feel someone you care about needs it, don’t offer to help just help by being there and work your way up and maybe when they really need it they will come to you and say “please help me”.

Reply to When She Wants To Die comments

There were some comments about our chapter “When she wants to die” that made me feel like I needed to share more:

“The daughter in this post has BiPolar as well as several severe physical health issues. The days leading up to this event were so dark and she felt like there was nothing left to hold on to. In her darkest our she begged for help. She asked her loving supportive parents for permission to go. She knew they would say no and she knew they couldn’t stop her but she loved them too much to not have that conversation first. They said all the right things “take and extra aropax” “we’ll go to the doc asap” “please don’t leave us, we need you”.
Good healthy things. They stayed up with her watching her favourite movies til 1am. She loved them so much. When they couldn’t stay awake anymore she promised not to do anything and continue talking tomorrow.
From 1am til 3am she kept looping plans on how to do it in her head. Pills? Razor? But she promised and she doesn’t break promises.
She was in hysterical tears by 2am and at 3am she stood up and decided she needed to see one of the reasons her parents suggested she stay. In her pjs she went outside in 2° and went into the shed. There was her pool. Without a thought she stripped down and jumped in the pool. She swam. She swam so hard the darkness began to fade and all she was thinking about was the water. She finally stopped thinking about the future or the past. She was here, now, in the water. That was all that mattered at that moment and she felt free of pain at darkness. If only for a moment and that moment she was ok. She was still in a depressed state but a little light had shone through the darkness. Swimming at 3am had just saved her life.
She managed to sleep properly that night for the first time in a week. She woke up and talked to the doctor and upped her anti-depressants and battled on.
No she wasn’t cured, yes she still has the darkness and suicidal thoughts. But she found a way to live. Her way. She found a bit of peace in swimming and has swam everyday since.
She knows this wouldn’t work for everyone and everyone has their own way. But she finally found a way and it gives her hope that maybe she can help others find their way out of the darkness.
She is doing much better. She even has moments of joy now. She has amazing parents and knows she is lucky to have them. She is ok. I know. Because She is me.”

100 days

I think that when you have a mental illness or chronic pain (or like me; both) you need to celebrate milestones. Even if they don’t mean anything to others, they mean something to you.
So today is my 100 days of cigarette free life. 100 days is the longest in 20 years I have been without a smoke. So I am celebrating and would love you to celebrate this massive milestone with me.

What does mania feel like?

What does mania feel like?
(I am in no way advocating drug use or energy drinks)

In order for a Neuro-typical to feel what it is like to have a manic episode they should drink 4 red bulls in a row, then have a line of speed, then 2 lines of cocaine and then a little LSD and ride the high. 9 times out of 10 that mixture of poison should create a simulation of manic episode. And 9 times out of 10 the person will crash hard and fall into a mini depression. Now they can understand a day in the life of having BiPolar.
We deal with that every day.
Wanna walk in our shoes?

Understanding, empathy, support are what we need from others and for people to get that if you wanna feel our mania you pay to get the drugs, you choose to get high; we don’t.

The cared for becomes the carer

The cared for become the carer.

Hi I’m Natasha and I have BiPolar Disorder. I have written and published 2 books and currently write a blog. Today I need your help.
My family have been taking care of me for 34 years. For the first 20 they closely had to monitor me, get me diagnosed, get me to doctors, psychologists, specialists, make me take my meds and visit when I was hospitalised.
Then as I stabilised they still monitored me but less and less. They care for me and about me everyday.

As my parents get older the roles are reversing. Mum has back problems and her own BiPolar and needs me. Dad has had some surgeries and needed a nurse, me.

Dad has now been admitted to hospital for double pneumonia. It is quite bad and I have visited every day bar one and twice yesterday. I have also been helping mum, our 5 animals and doing extra house stuff plus studying and getting over a cold and severe period pain. All in a week.

The first thing we learn when diagnosed is self care.
I am a caring person by nature and want to take care of everyone but how do I remind myself to take care of me?
Having BiPolar means I need rest times and quiet times and not to over do it. But he is my dad and I adore him and I have to go see him everyday, right?

I am torn between being a carer and caring for myself.
I am no use to him if I fall apart.

BiPolarians I ask you: how do you self care when a loved one needs your care?

Super Bug

I have been through a lot of shit in life, as most people have. (Shout out to all us mentally or physically ill! )
Some I can deal with, some is unbearable and some is cruel.

But then there are things that are just annoying. A papercut, an ear pimple, boy drama or this evil super flu that will not leave me and my family alone.

I have so many other battles stopping me from getting out of bed that I fight through daily, now I have this bug that forces me to stay in bed, when I’m not playing nurse to the sicker ones.

I can’t win. I’m handing over to the zombie apocalypse (although maybe warn them about my BiPolar riddled brain and that pesky cyst )