Suicide Levels

Suicide Levels

There are levels to suicidal thoughts, in my opinion.
I can get quite dark and think about life being pointless and horrible and have a fleeting thought of opting out so I will stop myself and do something: paint, draw, write, anything to distract the thoughts.

The next level for me is darker thoughts; heavier, all I can think about is how, when and where and then guilt of those I’d leave behind. This is when I have to get into water: a pool, a bath, a shower or even hold an ice cube. This works for me may not for you.

The next level is hysterical tears, no sleep, my heart hurts, my brain is black and I am staring at my “tools” and so close: this is red alert. Call parents/best friend/000

I have been hospitalised at both private and public hospitals and each have good and bad qualities, but at the end of the day they saved my life.
“;” that symbol means so much more to us who suffer with these horrid thoughts. “My story isn’t over yet”
Draw the semicolon on your wrist and look at it every time you want to die and remember: you are not alone, things will get better and your story isnt over yet.

Both and Neither

Both and neither

I feel like I’m manic and depressed at the same time. On one hand I’m crying and feeling worthless and that life is pointless or too hard or too painful or just not worth living. Then on the other hand, 5 seconds later I’m on eBay shopping for stuff I don’t need, having racing thoughts and vivid dreams when I eventually sleep. I can’t sleep and it’s now 6 AM and not the first time this week I’ve been up this late/early. Thoughts racing, anxious, worried about money which is something I never cared about, worried about the future and what will happen next once I finish my diploma, and will I find what I’m really looking for? Does anybody ever really find what they’re looking for?
So now I don’t know what to do: if I was just manic I would lower my antidepressants if I was just depressed I would opt out of the presence of lettuce (this is what AutoCorrect did and I think that it’s perfect, you get the point anyway.)
Do I need to talk to my psychiatrist about changing meds? do I need to talk to my doctor about my moods? do I need to talk to a psychologist just to get my head around all the changes coming my way? or do I just need to wait until this evil heatwave is over and I can breathe again? Maybe it’s the pain: my knees are causing crippling pain and hopefully my new physio will help but until then pain, no sleep and racing thoughts and uber tears. January 2018 is gonna be a blast.

“It can’t rain all the time”

‘The Crow’ said it right: “It can’t rain all the time”

Suicidal thoughts are often fleeting and unfortunately reoccurring.

I think about it almost everyday. Even happy days. Late at night when the house sleeps, I think of how and when and where but I can’t. I love my folks more than myself and couldn’t hurt them so much.

My brain and body have been trying to kill me for years but I fight and now I help others fight. I feel like a hypocrite and a fraud. I talk people off the ledge and yet look over the edge with longing eyes.

How can I help people if I can’t help myself? I know the tricks and the right things to say but who am I to tell someone not to “opt out” if they want that more than anything?

Those few moments of pure happiness or hysterical laughter and the thought of them happening again keep me strong.

When I’m in the darkness I run those words through my head “It can’t rain all the time” to remind myself “this too shall pass” and all the other cliches.

They are right, as dark as it gets there are happy moments in life that we have to hang on to and enjoy when they come, before the darkness comes back.

Questions for bullies

Questions for Bullies

1. How do you feel when you are picking on people?
2. Why do you bully others?
3. Have you ever been bullied?
4. How does it feel to be bullied/ how do you think it might feel to be bullied?
5. How do your friends react to your bullying?
6. Would it make a difference if your friends thought it was wrong?
7. How do you think ‘x’ feels when you bully them?
8. How would you feel if ‘x’ ended their life because you bullied them?
9. Would you be able to call yourself a good person if someone killed themselves because of you?
10. Do you think you would make a good role model to your future kids?
11. Are there any good excuses for bullying?

Bullying is never ok. Making someone feel like shit just because, is not ok. There is no excuse for being a bully!

I was bullied all through my school years until one bully pushed me so far that I wanted to end my life. Luckily my parents got wind of it and pulled me out of school. The teachers didn’t care, the school counsellor didn’t care, my friends didn’t care, no one
cared. Maybe they cared but they didn’t stop it.
I asked my bully “why?” and she said “Because I can”.
Because I can is not an excuse to torture someone on a daily basis.
Because I can is not an excuse for the years of psychological damage and ptsd I’ve had from the cruelty of one bitchy girl.
Because I can is not an excuse for making me feel so ugly, dumb, worthless and pathetic (her daily words; the words that still replay in my head 20 years later)
My bully almost won. I cut myself to ease the pain of her words. Her bullying almost killed me.

How many lives have been lost because of a bully? If the answer is more than 1, it is already too many.

We need to talk to the victims. But we need to talk more to the bullies and stop them before they cause permanent damage.

Name and Shame your bullies. Technology has changed since I was a teen so record the torment on your phone and post it online.
Tell a teacher, a counsellor, a parent, a friend.

No one deserves to be bullied!
No one should be made to feel suicidal because of a bully.

Worrier or Warrior?

Worrier or Warrior?

I’m 34 and still worry too much about what people will think. I worry that I can’t please everyone, I worry that I’ll never have a real connection with anyone, I worry that I’m not good enough, I worry I am a failure, I worry that people will see through my fake smile and laughter, I worry noone could ever love someone so broken.

But I have had battles with depression, BiPolar, bullies, chronic pain, evil physical health problems and I have fought. I fight everyday to keep going even when I don’t want to, even when I see no point and even when the pain is so bad that I want to roll over and die.
I fight. I am resilient. I am a warrior.

Most of my battles are with myself. So am I a worrier or a warrior?

I think both. What about you?

Time Away

Time Away

Having BiPolar and being a carer has brought me to burnout land. I needed a time out from life and wanted to be around farm animals while I relax and recharge.
The “farm” I booked in Hartley has a beautiful setting. Cute little room. The most comfortable firm bed ever! Great little kitchen. Quiet and lovely room.
When I asked the young lady at main house if there was a schedule for seeing the animals she looked at me like I was bonkers and informed me there were chickens and mini ponies around the back and I could go whenever.
So no cows, no goats, no sheep, no emu like the website had said. 🙁
Ponies cute and friendly. And one shlomo, chickens and I aren’t friends. What was the point? How is this a farm stay?

I guess sleep will be the main activity here. But I can sleep at home. I need to be with animals. Ahhhh.


Last night I did some research and found another farm near Oberon that has animals you can interact with but has a 2 night minimum stay.
I emailed the place asking if I could come for the day and pay a bit. The lovely guy on the end of the email said he would ask the owners and get back to me.
At 8am I got an email saying yes I could visit today and the owner was expecting me. Woooo. How exciting.
This trip was about relaxing alone but it was also about having some time with farm animals. So now I get both.
Perhaps next time I will stay directly on the other farm but let’s see how today goes.

4 hours later
There is magic in animals, nature and the kindness of strangers.
100 acres of green lush mountains. The lovely owner greeted me warmly, refused payment and pointed me in the direction of the animals and the feed and let me be. Perfect.
I strolled from one section to another: feeding and chatting to goats and sheep. Attempting to pat a cow and searching for the alpacas.
I walked along the path and saw the cabins that I will stay in when I DEFINITELY come back. I looked at the trees and the green and the 360° views of the mountains. I listened to the different types of birds chattering. I smelled the clean fresh air, I felt the sweat drip down my face and I tasted the water from my bottle.
It was hot out but worth the walk to see this amazing place.
The night before I had written a plan for my own perfect farm and it was like someone had taken that and put it in Duckmaloi.
I went back to the goats, they had been following my every move. I even got fought over and the female went under my legs and tore my pants and I laughed. Now I am on a real farm! Lucky I didn’t wear good clothes. On the way back to the car I saw the deer. She was the most magical thing I have ever seen. She let me pat her and thank her.
I spent a bit more time with the owner and was on my way.

The owners on Duckmaloi Farm let a total stranger come into their property and pat their animals. They have no idea how much they helped me just by being kind. I will always be grateful.

So here it comes, my highest recommendation for anyone who needs to escape their world and enter the most beautiful, magical place in the mountains.
Ask for Steve.
Tell him Tash sent you 🙂

Back’s not Back

Back’s not back

Spending the last few months taking care of everyone else and not myself has backfired. Along with burnout my back has now gone out. I can barely walk/stand/sit. The pain is horrid. This has happened many times since my late 20’s and has bed ridden me for months in the past until finally a specialist sent me for a cortisone injection. This time limited solution worked a treat but needs top ups.

I thought I was done with my chronic back pain but I guess it never really goes away.
Now I have to choose if I want to top up the cortisone or become a slave to codeine. Neither option is good for me but this pain is unbearable and I can’t spend 6 months in bed again.

To do or not to do

To do or not to do – that is your choice.
Before you choose to do something nice for someone else accept that they may not show appreciation or thank you personally and they may not do anything for you in return.

Doing something nice for someone is nice for you, but do it for the right reasons and without expectations.

If you have no expectations you rarely get disappointed. If you have high hopes they can be crushed.

Take care of you before/during/after taking care of someone else.

You are important to me. You are appreciated and you matter. And I say that without any expectations of a reply just because it is how I feel and wanted you to know. 😘

People Always Leave

People Always Leave

In “One Tree Hill” it is said that people always leave. I find this to be true in terms of friends.
I have had friends who use me, friends who get too busy, friends who are too full on leading me to choose to sacrifice my mental health or tell them which leads to them leaving, friends who say they will always be there but lie or forget, friends who can’t handle when I’m not doing well, friends with kids, friends who bully, friends who stay for a while but eventually like all the others leave.

I sometimes have to leave a friendship to put myself first.

I sometimes miss the ones who left. Sometimes not so much.

I have abandoned issues and therefore think everyone will leave without any signs they will and the paranoia leads them to leave.

I often need closure. If someone leaves without saying goodbye or explaining why, I become obsessed with finding out.

Perhaps I have to accept that I won’t have long lasting friendships. And that’s ok.

This is my experience. I’m not saying BiPolarians don’t have friends. Just my own personal experience.

Does anyone else struggle keeping friends?