Both and Neither

Both and neither

I feel like I’m manic and depressed at the same time. On one hand I’m crying and feeling worthless and that life is pointless or too hard or too painful or just not worth living. Then on the other hand, 5 seconds later I’m on eBay shopping for stuff I don’t need, having racing thoughts and vivid dreams when I eventually sleep. I can’t sleep and it’s now 6 AM and not the first time this week I’ve been up this late/early. Thoughts racing, anxious, worried about money which is something I never cared about, worried about the future and what will happen next once I finish my diploma, and will I find what I’m really looking for? Does anybody ever really find what they’re looking for?
So now I don’t know what to do: if I was just manic I would lower my antidepressants if I was just depressed I would opt out of the presence of lettuce (this is what AutoCorrect did and I think that it’s perfect, you get the point anyway.)
Do I need to talk to my psychiatrist about changing meds? do I need to talk to my doctor about my moods? do I need to talk to a psychologist just to get my head around all the changes coming my way? or do I just need to wait until this evil heatwave is over and I can breathe again? Maybe it’s the pain: my knees are causing crippling pain and hopefully my new physio will help but until then pain, no sleep and racing thoughts and uber tears. January 2018 is gonna be a blast.

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