The elements of my depression are more standard issue. I start to feel worthless and alone. Colours get dull. I sleep too much and eat less. I cry for no real reason unless it’s a circumstantial depression like when my grandma died and I was paralysed by darkness for 6 months, barely leaving my bed. Or when I had my heart broken by a boy I shouldn’t have fell for, who wasn’t ready for me and couldn’t handle my attachment to him. After that I had months of heart ache and tears.
But the worst is when there is no reason and it feels like no hope and those pills look very tempting.
Sometimes I feel heavy.
Sometimes I feel numb.
Sometimes I feel worthless.
Sometimes I feel my heart aching.
Sometimes I feel like “What’s the point?”
Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to be here anymore.
Sometimes I feel like crying so much I flood the room.
Sometimes I feel I can’t hold on.
Sometimes I feel pain.
Sometimes I feel darkness.
Sometimes I feel just sadness.
But the hardest days are when I feel nothing at all.
Suicide often creeps into my thoughts but I am lucky to have people and things and plans that give me hope that maybe tomorrow will be better than today.