One Dark Hour.
Things are good in life. I have my Diploma, I have my pool, I have job prospects, I have good friends and a loving family.
I am on meds and should be stable and I am but the lately I have been teary at night and feeling a mixture of a heavy weight and a piece is missing.
I see beauty in things I never noticed before like a flower with so much detail and several colours or the way my cat sleeps with one eye open and follows me everywhere I go. I taste every bite of food and enjoy every mouthful (if it’s good) I make plans and am excited about what comes next… but then a wave of sadness and I can feel all the pain in the world for just a moment. As I cry I feel every inch of pain I’ve ever felt, every time I was let down by someone I cared about, every time I thought too highly of someone, every mean word the bullies said, everyone I have lost and every physical health issue. They flood my thoughts and my tears flood back and I am overtaken by it.
This mental illness is so evil. Even when things are good I can still feel so low. I allow myself an hour of being sad and then I have to put it away until tomorrow. If there is a big loss I give myself one day to mourn it then put it away.
I use grounding exercises to bring me back to right now and remind myself that things are good and that I have been through worse, and I am ok. I sleep and then wake up ok. During the day I am ok.
But every night the sadness creeps back in, the flood begins but I only let this beast have one hour. Then I close the flood gates and am a fully functioning stable human being.
I wish I could balance it with one hour of mania a day, oh man so many presents from eBay would come. But no!
I have it under control. I check in with my doctors and I am ok. This is just a thing I have to do now so that I can have 23hrs of ‘normalcy’ or peace. It’s a very fair trade.
I feel guilt and shame because I know people have it worse. I hate my dark hour but I need it to have light.
It never gets so dark that I want to leave. I want to live. Having the semi colon symbol has helped so much because MY story isn’t over yet. My story has many more chapters, many more happy days and only one hour a night off.