As a kid I didn’t care for control. I was wild and carefree.
I think my breakdowns caused a change in my mind set and demanded control. I didn’t like losing control when I was manic and hated the lack of control when I was depressed. Then my physical health problems took the last of my control and that was it, I became a control freak.
I say I hate organising things but this is a lie. I love arranging events or get togethers but the disappointment when someone bails or changes things have lead me to hate organising. It’s a set up for failure. If one thing falls through I can’t stand it. I need to be in total control of every situation so as not to get let down or hurt.
If I don’t have the control I freak out. I never want to lose control ever again and I can’t afford to go back to who I was and risk losing everything I have.
Not even for a little weed 🙂