There were some comments about our chapter “When she wants to die” that made me feel like I needed to share more:
“The daughter in this post has BiPolar as well as several severe physical health issues. The days leading up to this event were so dark and she felt like there was nothing left to hold on to. In her darkest our she begged for help. She asked her loving supportive parents for permission to go. She knew they would say no and she knew they couldn’t stop her but she loved them too much to not have that conversation first. They said all the right things “take and extra aropax” “we’ll go to the doc asap” “please don’t leave us, we need you”.
Good healthy things. They stayed up with her watching her favourite movies til 1am. She loved them so much. When they couldn’t stay awake anymore she promised not to do anything and continue talking tomorrow.
From 1am til 3am she kept looping plans on how to do it in her head. Pills? Razor? But she promised and she doesn’t break promises.
She was in hysterical tears by 2am and at 3am she stood up and decided she needed to see one of the reasons her parents suggested she stay. In her pjs she went outside in 2° and went into the shed. There was her pool. Without a thought she stripped down and jumped in the pool. She swam. She swam so hard the darkness began to fade and all she was thinking about was the water. She finally stopped thinking about the future or the past. She was here, now, in the water. That was all that mattered at that moment and she felt free of pain at darkness. If only for a moment and that moment she was ok. She was still in a depressed state but a little light had shone through the darkness. Swimming at 3am had just saved her life.
She managed to sleep properly that night for the first time in a week. She woke up and talked to the doctor and upped her anti-depressants and battled on.
No she wasn’t cured, yes she still has the darkness and suicidal thoughts. But she found a way to live. Her way. She found a bit of peace in swimming and has swam everyday since.
She knows this wouldn’t work for everyone and everyone has their own way. But she finally found a way and it gives her hope that maybe she can help others find their way out of the darkness.
She is doing much better. She even has moments of joy now. She has amazing parents and knows she is lucky to have them. She is ok. I know. Because She is me.”